A Blog for the Ages

My name is Jason Van Valkenburg. Enough with the introductions. Let's get down to business. When sifting through the thousands of guest blog invitations that I have received, I wondered how I had mustered the strength to reject them all. President Bush - NOPE. President Obama - Not a Chance. Nobel Prize Committee - Not During Naptime. But then I was approached in a way that was so unique, so different, so original. As I lay on the couch next to my dog and my wife sat on the floor, she simply turned and so eloquently asked, "Will you be my first guest blogger?" I thought about how I had turned down Yale and Harvard and M.I.T. for that matter, how I had said no to Leno and Letterman. But this time it was different. I had just eaten some double-stuffed Oreos and milk, and I was feeling like the moment was right. It was time to come back to the forefront, to get back in the public eye, to become the leader that I once was and the hero that I had always dreamed of being. I, in my own magnificent way, answered my beautiful brunette, "I will, but I want to finish watching the Tour Championship first."

Oh, the mental anguish I now go through in trying to choose which platform I should address in my inaugural state-of-the-VanCentralStation address. Should it be world peace, children's literacy, the Japanese, recycling, healthcare reform, or women's rights? While those are all very dear to my heart and though I have spent many hours in laborious research, I chose to take a path far less travelled. I will take this opportunity to give a gift. Maybe even the greatest gift of all. The gift of a Top Ten list.

Top Ten Movies to help wives understand their husbands:

10. All of the Austin Powers movies (because no other movie had come up with more & funnier ways of talking about shagging)

9. Army of Darkness (because at some point in time, we've all wanted to turn and look at our wives and say, "It's good to be King. Hail to the King, baby.")

8. Anchor Man (because at some point in time, we've all had to make the decision on which musk to wear)

7. Spaceballs (this is where we learned the principles of merchandising)

6. Caddyshack (we all looked up to Ty, the scratch golfer who lived off of his father's fortune and cracked unmercifully under pressure. What a role model.)

5. Blazing Saddles (this is where we learned how to deal with horn-swaggling crugger crogers)

4. All 3 of the Ocean's 11 movies (because deep down inside, we all want to be extremely well-dressed, smooth-talking bandits whose women look past our faults and love us anyway)

3. All of the Monty Python movies (because sometimes you just want a 'wahfer... thin')

2. Old School (because this is who we were before we met you and most likely who we would return to if something happened to you)

1. All of the Godfather movies (because before we all wanted to be in Ocean's 11, we all wanted to be part of the Corleone family)


In closing, I would like to reiterate that this is truly a gift that keeps on giving. I implore you, wives, to take some time out of your busy schedules filled with mothering, wifery, and churchery, to make your way through these classics of cinema. Once you have tasted all of the manna from movie heaven and dined with the greats of film history, you will forever be indebted to this blog, and more importantly, to me. One day I will ask you for a favor, and out of your gratefulness you will will agree. Or I will have to make you an offer that you cannot refuse.