More Tinkle

So the big girl has gone tinkle in the potty for three days straight now... only once or twice a day, but she's getting the hang of it! As she would say, "Ha-yea-you-yah!"

A Blog for the Ages

My name is Jason Van Valkenburg. Enough with the introductions. Let's get down to business. When sifting through the thousands of guest blog invitations that I have received, I wondered how I had mustered the strength to reject them all. President Bush - NOPE. President Obama - Not a Chance. Nobel Prize Committee - Not During Naptime. But then I was approached in a way that was so unique, so different, so original. As I lay on the couch next to my dog and my wife sat on the floor, she simply turned and so eloquently asked, "Will you be my first guest blogger?" I thought about how I had turned down Yale and Harvard and M.I.T. for that matter, how I had said no to Leno and Letterman. But this time it was different. I had just eaten some double-stuffed Oreos and milk, and I was feeling like the moment was right. It was time to come back to the forefront, to get back in the public eye, to become the leader that I once was and the hero that I had always dreamed of being. I, in my own magnificent way, answered my beautiful brunette, "I will, but I want to finish watching the Tour Championship first."

Oh, the mental anguish I now go through in trying to choose which platform I should address in my inaugural state-of-the-VanCentralStation address. Should it be world peace, children's literacy, the Japanese, recycling, healthcare reform, or women's rights? While those are all very dear to my heart and though I have spent many hours in laborious research, I chose to take a path far less travelled. I will take this opportunity to give a gift. Maybe even the greatest gift of all. The gift of a Top Ten list.

Top Ten Movies to help wives understand their husbands:

10. All of the Austin Powers movies (because no other movie had come up with more & funnier ways of talking about shagging)

9. Army of Darkness (because at some point in time, we've all wanted to turn and look at our wives and say, "It's good to be King. Hail to the King, baby.")

8. Anchor Man (because at some point in time, we've all had to make the decision on which musk to wear)

7. Spaceballs (this is where we learned the principles of merchandising)

6. Caddyshack (we all looked up to Ty, the scratch golfer who lived off of his father's fortune and cracked unmercifully under pressure. What a role model.)

5. Blazing Saddles (this is where we learned how to deal with horn-swaggling crugger crogers)

4. All 3 of the Ocean's 11 movies (because deep down inside, we all want to be extremely well-dressed, smooth-talking bandits whose women look past our faults and love us anyway)

3. All of the Monty Python movies (because sometimes you just want a 'wahfer... thin')

2. Old School (because this is who we were before we met you and most likely who we would return to if something happened to you)

1. All of the Godfather movies (because before we all wanted to be in Ocean's 11, we all wanted to be part of the Corleone family)


In closing, I would like to reiterate that this is truly a gift that keeps on giving. I implore you, wives, to take some time out of your busy schedules filled with mothering, wifery, and churchery, to make your way through these classics of cinema. Once you have tasted all of the manna from movie heaven and dined with the greats of film history, you will forever be indebted to this blog, and more importantly, to me. One day I will ask you for a favor, and out of your gratefulness you will will agree. Or I will have to make you an offer that you cannot refuse.

JEANS!!!

Thank the good Lord, I found a pair of jeans this afternoon at Marshalls. They're Calvin Klein's that I got for $29.99, and they fit perfectly! Momma's happy tonight!

Our eldest child is officially silly. Tonight about 30 minutes after we put her to bed, we were in the living room watching the Tour Championship (golf) that we had DVR'd, and we hear this coming from her bedroom: "Ta-DA! Mommy! Daddy! Ta-DAAAAHHH!!!"

Programming note: Papa Bear (a.k.a. Daddy) has just agreed to guest blog, maybe even tonight! Stay tuned for what's sure to be an entertaining segment. :)

Frustration Friday

I HATE trying on jeans. This morning I dropped Emerson off at her preschool (yes, my big girl goes to preschool on Friday mornings... *sigh*), and Jax and I headed off to the mall. I'm in between sizes right now in jeans. I'm going down in size rather than up, so that's a good thing, but the next size down still isn't fitting perfectly. I went to Ann Taylor Loft, Gap, Eddie Bauer, even Sears (thinking maybe good 'ole Levis might work), and I'm telling you right now, not one single pair of jeans worked. I had to have tried on around 25-30 pairs. It was so exasperating!!! Plus, I had to stop in between jeans and nurse little man in the dressing room (thank God no one walked in on me at that moment... can you imagine walking in on a half-naked lactating woman with a 20-pound baby latched on, sitting on the bench cross-legged??? What a thought, right?) Sorry, back to my point. I HATE trying on jeans. I'm hoping when I lose my next 10 pounds the whole experience will improve and I can actually leave the mall with a pair of stinkin' jeans.

On another note, Emerson is into kissing everything she sees. Literally everything. On our way into the house from the garage today, she had to stop and kiss these things in this order: Daddy's golf bag, the tire on the stroller, the edge of the wagon, the tool case, and the door. For some reason, I decided not to rush her inside, and I stood and let her finish her love session. It was pretty darn cute. Then, when I put her in her crib just a bit ago to take a nap, she didn't want to lay down, so she stood at the edge and asked me to 'Tum here.' She then kissed me on the cheek and the arm. Do you think she'll still want to do that when she's 16? Hardy-har. I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

Have a great weekend! We're off to Stroud for Jason's company picnic, complete with a cookout and kickball game (the OKC team vs. Tulsa). Thank God I can use the excuse of small children to get out of having to play kickball. At least let's hope so.

The little square dancer

Sunday was our church's 10th anniversary, so after service the parking lot was turned into a carnival-like scene, complete with inflatables, carnival games, a cake walk, and even square dancing. I won in my second attempt at the cake walk! Are any of you really surprised that I did the cake walk more than once? Cake is my weakness. And you know what? I actually picked a chocolate pie. A chocolate pie from Merritt's, believe it or not. Why, you ask? Because I know how much my sweetie loves chocolate pie from a bakery.

Emerson saw the square dancing commence, and she decided she needed in on the action.



I think it's hilarious that she decided to go in a circle, too. That's my girl... always paying attention to detail. :)

Jax had jeans on that day, and since it was hot after church, I took them off and just left him in his onesie. His thighs were like magnets to every woman that walked by. Can you blame them? Look how squeezable they are. I just wanna bite 'em.

Shoes & Mascara

I don't know about you, but I'm a huge fan of Nine West shoes (at least when I can find ones that fit my wide feet). There's a huge sale going on at 6 p.m. right now... every pair is $24.95... we're talkin' even the $140 shoes are $24.95. Click HERE for the bargains!


And let me just tell you about the new mascara I found. Trust me when I say it's the best mascara on the face of the earth. Period. End of story. Is it expensive? Yes. Is it worth every penny? Heck yes. If you're unhappy with your current one, I can promise you you're going to love this one. Just this week I was reading Real Simple, and they had a runway makeup artist reviewing the fall trends. They asked her what her go-to mascara is, and she said DiorShow. I knew it! This stuff even smells like roses. It's fab-u-lous! Click HERE to get the goods!